Looking Back: How Far I’ve Come 11/12

Twelve years ago, I sat on the porch of my Cardiff Bay home, surrounded by the wreckage of my life, clutching a notebook filled with crossed-out words. I had a burning idea for a book—a story of transformation, resilience, and the human spirit—but my sentences felt flat, lifeless, like they belonged to someone who didn’t trust their voice. I would pen a line, despise it, and rip the page away, convinced that I could never create anything captivating enough to hold attention. That raw moment of doubt was where this book began—a seed planted in uncertainty, one that took years to grow. The moment I stopped obsessing over what I should write, the words started to flow.

Now, with the book launching in just weeks, I’m reflecting on the journey from that porch to this moment. The path was winding, marked by dark days and even darker ones, breakthroughs, and a slow discovery of my voice. At one point, I set the project aside, buried under life’s demands—work, relationships, and survival. But a trek in the Andes Mountains in the Cusco region three years ago changed everything. As I watched the sunrise over the Andes, I remembered my promise to myself. That clarity reignited my commitment, pulling me back to the manuscript. Looking back, every struggle—starting with those clumsy sentences—shaped me. Today, I want to share a lesson that carried me through: the power of self-compassion, rooted in psychology and Tibetan Buddhist wisdom, which turned my doubts into stepping stones.

The Lesson: Self-Compassion Fuels Growth

Self-compassion, as psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff describes, involves treating yourself with kindness, recognizing that struggle is universal, and observing emotions without judgment. Tibetan Buddhism deepens this idea, teaching that compassion—for oneself and others—is a path to liberation. The Buddha’s Four Noble Truths remind us that suffering is part of life (the first truth) and often stems from clinging to ideals like perfection (the second truth). Twelve years ago, I was trapped in self-criticism, dismissing every sentence as “not good enough.” That inner voice kept me stuck, feeding my fear of failure.

In Tibetan Buddhism, the practice of Tonleng—breathing in pain and breathing out compassion—offers a way to transform suffering. I learned these principles during a retreat in Nepal, where I was taught to hold my struggles gently, as I would a friend’s. This mirrored Neff’s framework: self-kindness became my refuge, common humanity reminded me every writer doubts their work, and mindfulness let me see my pain without being consumed by it. The Buddha’s concept of impermanence (anicca) also helped—I realized my doubts were temporary, not defining. Self-compassion didn’t erase the struggle; it gave me the courage to write messy drafts, celebrate small victories, and show up, even when I felt unworthy. It’s what carried me from that first notebook to a finished book.

My Journey: From Clumsy Words to a Finished Book

The seed of this book was planted on that Cardiff porch, where I knew I had to write, even if I didn’t know how. It grew through a decade of exploration across continents—Europe, South America, West Africa, and Asia. In Iquitos, a night in the Amazon showed me that transformation comes unexpectedly. In Lithuania, Tantra workshops with my teacher friend taught me the power of connection, easing my doubts. West Africa taught me boundaries, India devotion, and Nepal discipline through daily commitment without expectations. Each lesson built on those early struggles, helping me trust my voice. I reflect on what was lost during my early life struggles.

Even as I prepare for the launch, self-doubt lingers. But I have a method now, a way to “disinfect” negative thoughts with kindness. Three years ago, after that Andes trek, I wrote a note to myself: “Your words don’t need to be perfect; they just need to be yours.” That shift unlocked my writing. I connected with writers online, finding community in shared struggles. My editor, Dede, became a lifeline—she once told me, “Your story’s power is in its rawness, not its polish, and if you finish it, it will balance a lot of energies around it.” Her belief pushed me forward when I had little left. Slowly, the book took shape—not just a story, but a reflection of who I’ve become.

Actionable Steps: Practice Self-Compassion

You don’t need to write a book to embrace self-compassion. Here are two ways to start, blending psychology and Buddhist wisdom:

1. Write a Letter to Your Past Self:

   • Pick a Moment: Recall a time you doubted yourself—a creative block, a setback, or a lost dream. Picture yourself there.

   • Speak Kindly: Address your past self as a friend, acknowledging their pain. For example, “I know you felt your words weren’t enough, but your effort was brave.”

   • Share Wisdom: Offer perspective from today, highlighting strengths they couldn’t see. Remind them their struggles mattered.

   • Give Thanks: Thank your past self for their resilience, recognizing how they led to your growth.

   • Keep or Share: Save the letter or share it with someone trusted. For a challenge, post a snippet on X with #FromShadowsToLight.

   • 
     

2. Try a Simple Tonleng Practice:

3. 
   

   • Find a quiet space and sit comfortably.

   • Think of a struggle you’re facing. As you inhale, imagine breathing in that pain, not just for yourself but for others who feel it.

   • As you exhale, imagine sending out kindness and relief to yourself and others.

   • Do this for 2–3 minutes, noticing how it softens your perspective. It’s a small step toward compassion.

These practices reframe your past and present, seeing them as part of a meaningful journey, not a series of failures.

A Glimpse of What’s to Come

The Morph Alchemy of the Animal, launching soon, is the culmination of this 12-year journey. It’s not just about the words I struggled to write—it’s about the lessons, from self-doubt to self-compassion, woven with stories and tools for anyone who’s felt their dreams were out of reach. I can’t wait to share it and hear how it resonates with you.

As I stand on the edge of this launch, I’m honoring the person who sat on that Cardiff porch, unsure but willing to try. Your struggles, too, are the start of something beautiful. Keep showing up—you’re further along than you think.

What’s Your Story?  When was a moment you doubted yourself, and how did you keep going?

What’s Next?  Next week, I’ll share a final reflection before the launch, with a glimpse into the book’s heart and how you can celebrate with me. Stay tuned, and let’s grow together.

This post is part of a 12-week series chronicling my journey from darkness to completing my book. Follow along every Monday for new stories, insights, and tips to inspire your own path. Want to stay updated on the book launch? Join my newsletter, themorph88.com or follow me on X @TheMorph88.